I've come to the conclusion, that as a mother, the progression of feeling ok when you leave your child is not linear. By saying that there is progression, I am conceding that perhaps things will eventually get easier. They hopefully will; everyone says they do. It is just not fun to be leaving a young baby in another person's care for the majority of everyday for 5 five days in a row, every week. I feel like I want to be the one to wipe her spit up, change her poopy diaper, rock her when she's crying, feed her, and hold her all day if needed. I want to be the one she smiles for, laughs with, and rattles her toys at.
Yesterday, I was weepy. I cried the night before thinking about being gone. Then, I cried in the car, dropping her off, all the way to work and talking about her in the morning. The tears came during the day and at night too, thinking about how little time I got to spend with her only to have just as little today. But, today I was fine. Yes, I was sad and missed her, but no tears. So, you'd think I'm "getting better," but the thing is, there's no telling what tomorrow will hold. I could be worse off than yesterday or better than today. I've been working now for 4 weeks, and I've seen things progress and then revert without notice. Even today, a co-worker texted me midday. She was weepy today, but yesterday she had been fine. Mine was the reverse. Why? Maybe someone knows, but it seems arbitrary and it's not just me! The only solution I know is if the whole situation (leaving her) could be avoided. I've tried to seek the comfort of others who have gone before me, but their solace does not always help. Hopefully I'm wrong and things will continue "progressing."
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