I've come to the conclusion, that as a mother, the progression of feeling ok when you leave your child is not linear. By saying that there is progression, I am conceding that perhaps things will eventually get easier. They hopefully will; everyone says they do. It is just not fun to be leaving a young baby in another person's care for the majority of everyday for 5 five days in a row, every week. I feel like I want to be the one to wipe her spit up, change her poopy diaper, rock her when she's crying, feed her, and hold her all day if needed. I want to be the one she smiles for, laughs with, and rattles her toys at.
Yesterday, I was weepy. I cried the night before thinking about being gone. Then, I cried in the car, dropping her off, all the way to work and talking about her in the morning. The tears came during the day and at night too, thinking about how little time I got to spend with her only to have just as little today. But, today I was fine. Yes, I was sad and missed her, but no tears. So, you'd think I'm "getting better," but the thing is, there's no telling what tomorrow will hold. I could be worse off than yesterday or better than today. I've been working now for 4 weeks, and I've seen things progress and then revert without notice. Even today, a co-worker texted me midday. She was weepy today, but yesterday she had been fine. Mine was the reverse. Why? Maybe someone knows, but it seems arbitrary and it's not just me! The only solution I know is if the whole situation (leaving her) could be avoided. I've tried to seek the comfort of others who have gone before me, but their solace does not always help. Hopefully I'm wrong and things will continue "progressing."
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Pumping in front of others...taboo?
Today, I had to pump and work and invited some of my friends (aka co-workers that I like) to join me during my break for a pumping party. They were like, "um, aren't you busy at that time?" Yes, but it's nice to talk to people, and it doesn't happen very often when the majority of my break time is MOO time. So, I invited them and one came. She came in, we had a laugh and then chatted about how to get my daughter to nap longer stretches. Nothing was really decided, it was just nice to have a social break in the middle of the day; they've been lacking. My other friend joined us at the end of my session. I was sitting behind my desk, so not fully exposed.
As I was on my home, I realized that maybe it was ok to breastfeed in front of girlfriends, but not pump. Maybe like it's ok to pee in front of girlfriends, but you'd never want them there for a big poop (baby language). I wondered if they were really wierded out by my invite. Before today, I've pumped in front of my husband and my mom, and baby girl of course. Husband is super turned off and would prefer I didn't do it around him. Too bad, I'm doing it for our daughter, so I get to do it where I please. My mom's reaction was jealousy. When she pumped for me, she had to use a manual pump and could only do one side at a time. My sister walked in on me pumping once, and the shock was evident on her face. She's one of those that you can read everything from her expression. She was glad it wasn't her, yet, and was happy to move on.
I also had to pump one time in a public locker room. It wasn't a busy time, and I tried to find a isolated corner with an outlet and a place to sit. But, locker room luck would have it that wherever I got settled, someone would come claim their stuff from the locker right next to me. And yep, this young girl tiptoed out of the shower to find me is full letdown next to her locker. Oh well, I had to get my 5 oz and wasn't going to let a little public indecency endanger my milk supply or explode. So, I'll take it that since they came to my pumping party, that they were ok with it, but in retrospect I wonder if pumping in front of others is taboo.
As I was on my home, I realized that maybe it was ok to breastfeed in front of girlfriends, but not pump. Maybe like it's ok to pee in front of girlfriends, but you'd never want them there for a big poop (baby language). I wondered if they were really wierded out by my invite. Before today, I've pumped in front of my husband and my mom, and baby girl of course. Husband is super turned off and would prefer I didn't do it around him. Too bad, I'm doing it for our daughter, so I get to do it where I please. My mom's reaction was jealousy. When she pumped for me, she had to use a manual pump and could only do one side at a time. My sister walked in on me pumping once, and the shock was evident on her face. She's one of those that you can read everything from her expression. She was glad it wasn't her, yet, and was happy to move on.
I also had to pump one time in a public locker room. It wasn't a busy time, and I tried to find a isolated corner with an outlet and a place to sit. But, locker room luck would have it that wherever I got settled, someone would come claim their stuff from the locker right next to me. And yep, this young girl tiptoed out of the shower to find me is full letdown next to her locker. Oh well, I had to get my 5 oz and wasn't going to let a little public indecency endanger my milk supply or explode. So, I'll take it that since they came to my pumping party, that they were ok with it, but in retrospect I wonder if pumping in front of others is taboo.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
You can never have enough...
Breastmilk. I have like 10 bottles in the fridge, each with 4-5 oz ready to go. She'll eat the first two or three while I'm gone tomorrow at work, and I'll pump twice at work to replace what she had. However, if she eats three times while I'm gone, then I'll only have 9 bottles in my stash. Do you see my problem? I'm not one of those who pumps records 13 oz in a sitting, nor am I a "milk dud" who pumps 1 oz in 20 minutes. I would consider myself average.
If I pump to replace a feeding, aka I'm not with my beautiful daughter, I get the 4-5 oz that she would typically consume. If I try and pump between feedings or at night after she's gone to bed, I might get 2-3 oz depending. The hard thing is, I never know if what I'm doing it right. Obviously, I know I'm over thinking things, because as long as my baby is fed and happy, things are ultimately ok, which they are.
For example, yesterday I fed her at 8:00 am. She didn't seem super hungry, so I pumped to get less full at like 9:15. Then, I had to leave at like 10:20. So I left, and daddy fed her with a bottle of breastmilk at 10:45. I got home at 12:30 pm. I had to shower (was sweaty from teaching my class) and eat the lunch my hubby had to lovingly prepared for me. By this time is was probably 1 pm. I knew she would be eating again in 30-45 minutes. So, to pump or not to pump...that is the question. I was full having not fed or pumped in 4 hours, but didn't want to be empty when it came time to nurse her. If I waited, I knew I was skipping a feeding etc. They (lactation specialist) say that you are never quite empty, but there's definitely times when I have a feeling not much is coming out. So, I hemmed and hawed about what to do. Ended up pumping for a short time, equaling 3 oz and then feeding her when she work up at like 1:30.
I did what I thought was best, but no one explains these things, not even the books I so diligently rely on. So, when she ate at 4:20 pm, I ended up nursing her for almost an hour just to make up for it. Did she need to eat that long? No way. Was any milk coming out after the first 20 minutes? Probably not. Did I feel like I was doing something good for her? Yes, she was cozy, snuggled, half asleep, and helping my increase my milk production.
If I pump to replace a feeding, aka I'm not with my beautiful daughter, I get the 4-5 oz that she would typically consume. If I try and pump between feedings or at night after she's gone to bed, I might get 2-3 oz depending. The hard thing is, I never know if what I'm doing it right. Obviously, I know I'm over thinking things, because as long as my baby is fed and happy, things are ultimately ok, which they are.
For example, yesterday I fed her at 8:00 am. She didn't seem super hungry, so I pumped to get less full at like 9:15. Then, I had to leave at like 10:20. So I left, and daddy fed her with a bottle of breastmilk at 10:45. I got home at 12:30 pm. I had to shower (was sweaty from teaching my class) and eat the lunch my hubby had to lovingly prepared for me. By this time is was probably 1 pm. I knew she would be eating again in 30-45 minutes. So, to pump or not to pump...that is the question. I was full having not fed or pumped in 4 hours, but didn't want to be empty when it came time to nurse her. If I waited, I knew I was skipping a feeding etc. They (lactation specialist) say that you are never quite empty, but there's definitely times when I have a feeling not much is coming out. So, I hemmed and hawed about what to do. Ended up pumping for a short time, equaling 3 oz and then feeding her when she work up at like 1:30.
I did what I thought was best, but no one explains these things, not even the books I so diligently rely on. So, when she ate at 4:20 pm, I ended up nursing her for almost an hour just to make up for it. Did she need to eat that long? No way. Was any milk coming out after the first 20 minutes? Probably not. Did I feel like I was doing something good for her? Yes, she was cozy, snuggled, half asleep, and helping my increase my milk production.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Um...isn't it in the book?!
It's weird that in this information age, people don't read. I love that people ask me questions about my pregnancy, my labor, my recovery, and my first months as a new mom (I could talk about it all day), but all the stuff they're asking about is in books or online. Maybe not in the 1 sentence app updates, but available in many places if you search for it. A lot of the answers I give them are straight from book.
When I found out I was pregnant, in March of '11, I launched myself into reading, not just online, but actual books. I went from reading light chick-lit to wanting to know everything about pregnancy, L & D, breastfeeding, parenting etc. I was pretty much obsessed and didn't want to read anything else. Even my mom didn't understand why I was reading so much; she thought I should just ask her. But I loved it. It made me feel more connected with my baby even before she was born. In the summer, I spend hours at the beach reading about how to get a baby to latch properly, the ups and downs of medical interventions during labor, and how to give a newborn a bath. I just don't understand why people (or my friends) wouldn't do the same.
My favorite book was probably Exercising Through Your Pregnancy by James F. Clapp III. The research that he did was clear and justified everything I was doing during pregnancy. The benefits of exercise were and are immense. It reminded me of my college days reading Psych research. But, when I was searching for information on exercise during pregnancy, I couldn't believe that this was the only resource. Sure, every prenatal book gives a little blurb on fitness: start gradually; walking's good; don't work too intensely; ask your doctor...but I wanted FACTS! While there were facts in Clapp's book, I still think there needs to be more information out there for women. Research needs to be done. Anyone?
I also read all of Ina May Gaskin's books on childbirth and breastfeeding. While extreme to a certain extent, they let me formulate a plan of exactly what I wanted for myself and for my daughter.
I read What to Expect When You're Expecting. That's about all I have to say about that one. Felt like I should. Other reads: Head Home With Your Newborn, Nursing Mother's Companion, Belly Laughs, Babywise, Hypnobirthing, Baby Bargains, New Mother's Guide to Breastfeeding, The Mommy Docs Guide to Pregnancy, and more. Even though I didn't really like them all, or agree with what they had to say, at least I felt informed.
I have and plan to continue my reading into the next phases...sleeping, eating, playing, development, parenting, communicating etc. I am always looking for suggestions. I thought that's what everyone would do, but I guess that's not the case. Sometimes I have to remind myself that women have been having babies since the beginning of time; maybe we don't need to read books. But, it's not something women seem to discuss unless you're pregnant, trying to get pregnant, or recently pregnant. In our society, it just doens't seem like it is at the forefront of women's minds until it's time. We should be sharing resources, experiences and stories throughout our lives and make it more a part of our society. I didn't even know my own birth story until I was pregnant and asked my mom. Why is this?
When I found out I was pregnant, in March of '11, I launched myself into reading, not just online, but actual books. I went from reading light chick-lit to wanting to know everything about pregnancy, L & D, breastfeeding, parenting etc. I was pretty much obsessed and didn't want to read anything else. Even my mom didn't understand why I was reading so much; she thought I should just ask her. But I loved it. It made me feel more connected with my baby even before she was born. In the summer, I spend hours at the beach reading about how to get a baby to latch properly, the ups and downs of medical interventions during labor, and how to give a newborn a bath. I just don't understand why people (or my friends) wouldn't do the same.
My favorite book was probably Exercising Through Your Pregnancy by James F. Clapp III. The research that he did was clear and justified everything I was doing during pregnancy. The benefits of exercise were and are immense. It reminded me of my college days reading Psych research. But, when I was searching for information on exercise during pregnancy, I couldn't believe that this was the only resource. Sure, every prenatal book gives a little blurb on fitness: start gradually; walking's good; don't work too intensely; ask your doctor...but I wanted FACTS! While there were facts in Clapp's book, I still think there needs to be more information out there for women. Research needs to be done. Anyone?
I also read all of Ina May Gaskin's books on childbirth and breastfeeding. While extreme to a certain extent, they let me formulate a plan of exactly what I wanted for myself and for my daughter.
I read What to Expect When You're Expecting. That's about all I have to say about that one. Felt like I should. Other reads: Head Home With Your Newborn, Nursing Mother's Companion, Belly Laughs, Babywise, Hypnobirthing, Baby Bargains, New Mother's Guide to Breastfeeding, The Mommy Docs Guide to Pregnancy, and more. Even though I didn't really like them all, or agree with what they had to say, at least I felt informed.
I have and plan to continue my reading into the next phases...sleeping, eating, playing, development, parenting, communicating etc. I am always looking for suggestions. I thought that's what everyone would do, but I guess that's not the case. Sometimes I have to remind myself that women have been having babies since the beginning of time; maybe we don't need to read books. But, it's not something women seem to discuss unless you're pregnant, trying to get pregnant, or recently pregnant. In our society, it just doens't seem like it is at the forefront of women's minds until it's time. We should be sharing resources, experiences and stories throughout our lives and make it more a part of our society. I didn't even know my own birth story until I was pregnant and asked my mom. Why is this?
Friday, January 27, 2012
Can I do it all?
So...people call me crazy sometimes, but I think it's just the way I am.
I'm crazy for teaching a popular fitness class 4 times a week until I was 37 weeks pregant. My husband made me give him a stop date. So I did. 37 weeks. I would have kept it up. I convinced him to still let me "work out" beyond 37 weeks. After spending Monday afternoon on the elliptical at my gym, I woke up to contractions at about 3:00 am on Tuesday. Baby girl was born at 38.5 weeks. Later that week, I checked my email; a co-worker asked, "didn't I see you at the gym on Monday?" Yep. I took off 5.5 weeks and was back in full swing.
I'm crazy for wanting to cloth diaper my daughter without having in-unit laundry. I have to wait for the washer sometimes, 2 floors down in our condo building but it's not bad. The bucket doesn't really stink, unless you open it. Baby poop stains a little, but the diapers are clean even if they're a little yellow.
I'm crazy for wanting to pump at work and keep exclusively breast-feeding, hopefully for a year. Spending 40-50 minutes out of each work day with my door locked and me breasts exposed, I'm late to meetings and have to put my milk in the communal fridge. But, I'm doing it all for her. Some people don't get that.
I plan to parent, travel, work out, teach fitness, breastfeed, cloth diaper, love my husband and daughter, see my friends, lose weight, cook more, spend less, ride my bike, visit my family, read books, dress well and work a full time job.
Call me crazy. Can I do it all?
I'm crazy for teaching a popular fitness class 4 times a week until I was 37 weeks pregant. My husband made me give him a stop date. So I did. 37 weeks. I would have kept it up. I convinced him to still let me "work out" beyond 37 weeks. After spending Monday afternoon on the elliptical at my gym, I woke up to contractions at about 3:00 am on Tuesday. Baby girl was born at 38.5 weeks. Later that week, I checked my email; a co-worker asked, "didn't I see you at the gym on Monday?" Yep. I took off 5.5 weeks and was back in full swing.
I'm crazy for wanting to cloth diaper my daughter without having in-unit laundry. I have to wait for the washer sometimes, 2 floors down in our condo building but it's not bad. The bucket doesn't really stink, unless you open it. Baby poop stains a little, but the diapers are clean even if they're a little yellow.
I'm crazy for wanting to pump at work and keep exclusively breast-feeding, hopefully for a year. Spending 40-50 minutes out of each work day with my door locked and me breasts exposed, I'm late to meetings and have to put my milk in the communal fridge. But, I'm doing it all for her. Some people don't get that.
I plan to parent, travel, work out, teach fitness, breastfeed, cloth diaper, love my husband and daughter, see my friends, lose weight, cook more, spend less, ride my bike, visit my family, read books, dress well and work a full time job.
Call me crazy. Can I do it all?
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