To increase breast milk production

To increase me supply. That is my goal. Baby girl has started eating 5-7 oz per bottle feeding. She has two of these a day, but while I'm pumping at work I only get 4-5 oz per pumping session. So, the obvious problem is she's consuming more than I'm producing. We've been delving into the freezer stock for two reasons. First, they say milk should only be frozen for 4-6 months. She's over 4 months old now, so the milk I froze in her first few months needs to be used. Second is this supply problem. While it's not actually a problem yet, I like to be proactive.
Project increase milk supply has begun. I'm drinking extra water. My mom is convinced I might float away and wonders why I'm not up 5 times a night just to use the bathroom. Since I ordered some Mother's Milk tea, I've started drinking at least one cup per day, wondering when I will see some results. My mom told me to start drinking beer at night. I've never been much a beer person, but I'm going to try. Now, I'm instilling an additional evening pumping session on nights I'm home.
On top of all this, she seems to be actually nursing for less time than she was before. Last week I went to breastfeeding support group. I weighed her before and after feeding. She was quick to finish and distracted yet ate over 5 oz in that short time. So, I know I'm producing enough during nursing sessions. I can't help but wonder if I'm only pumping 4-5 oz because I'm at work. It's not the most breast friendly place. I look at pictures of her, read about breastfeeding, breathe deeply, and have even brought her clothing/burp clothes so inspire my breasts. Hopefully I'll get over this hump and be able to continue on.

2 new friends

Baby girl got 2 new friends this weekend. It was weird but good hearing about me friends' labors. We went to both hospitals. One was where I delivered. I knew what to expect, but my friend was rooming right next to where I was only 4 months ago. Being back felt good. Familiar. The other hospital was recently remodeled and WOW! It felt like a luxury hotel with swanky lighting. Makes me want to reconsider where I give birth next time if I decide to do it in a hospital again.
What I want to do is lend my friends my ear. I want to be there to listen to them tell and retell their stories. Even though my friends were going through similar things the same weekend, each labor is so unique. I wish them the very best and can't wait to enter this new stage of life together.

LEB

LEB are the initials of my baby girl and her new friend who was born late last night! I'm still waiting to hear the labor story and visit my friend in the hospital, and I'm still waiting to hear the outcome of labor number 2. But, it's been on my mind so much that I even dreamt t their experiences in the four hours of sleep I got.
Getting in bed after midnight, I was a little groggy when I got up at 4:20 am to rock baby back asleep. Again at 5:15, I tried a pacifier. At 5:55 I climbed into the bed in her room to nurse. I cuddled her up to me, on her side, and tried to rest as she ate. Even in the early morning darkness I could see her looking up at me. We laid like that for probably an hour. I kept thinking she would drift off and let go, but nope. Whether for comfort or hunger, she kept going. It was sweet. Then she rolled onto her back and started raking the blanket with her fingers. She raked and pulled it all the way into her mouth. She wasn't going to slepp anymore. When I finally got up to change her diaper, it was 7:30. Though exhausted, the look in her eyes and the smile on her face, her vigorous kicking on the changing table just assure me that she's happy, full and secure. All worth it.

Double labor

I'm pumping on my work break thinking about my 2 close friends in L and D right now! They were both due this Sunday. Weird. And they both texted me last night about 5:30 saying they were being induced. Double weird. I woke up this bright and early this morning hoping for good news.  Nada. It's now 2:11 pm the next day, and I want to know whats happening. I'm so excited to share this life  changing moment with them. But, I'm also hoping they're not enduring a grueling, terribly long labor. I offered to be present for both labors  if they wanted me, and they both politely declined. Good thing I don't have to choose. Overall, I've just become a little obsessed with labor, babies, breastfeeding. I'm hoping the agree to let me  record them telling their labor stories. Everyone's experience is similar yet so different, they need to be shared. So, I'm excited, waiting eagerly to find out what experience they had. I want to be there to hear them and support them. Any minute now would be fine!

A life with breastfeeding

I really think this picture is true. However, some speak more directly to me than others. I've shown the picture to a couple people, but it didn't seem to resonate with them the same way. Perhaps it is because I am exclusively breastfeeding. While I have the support of my husband, family and friends, I feel like society and the media don't get it at all. I am not a girl gone wild. I do feel like I'm completing a superhuman act that requires skills and balance. And that milk drunk smile that baby girls gets afterwards makes it so worthwhile. Needless to say, my life would be a lot easier if societal support of breastfeeding existed.
I met my sister for coffee yesterday at a bustling Lincoln Square cafe. I knew I'd have to feed my daughter there and was fully prepared for the task. I had all the gear in tow. I guess I just wasn't prepared to be seated on a banquette style booth with two young men facing me at the tables to my left and right. I chickened out. We ended up walking a few stores down to a baby gear store and feeding her there. Should I be upset that I didn't follow through with my original plan? Did I chicken out for myself or for their benefit? Overall, baby girl had a meal and everything worked out. I just felt like I would be stared down if I whipped out my breast. Was a wrong? Should I have done it anyway? Why do I even have to worry about such things? Women should be able to breastfeed wherever, whenever and however needed. Breast is best!

Drugs or no drugs?

My labor and delivery was an AMAZING, profound, life-changing experience. If someone had told me that before, I probably would have shrugged it off figuring that's what everyone says about childbirth. But, I just can't get over it and wish I could yell it in the streets, or from a mountain top. I feel like all women with children have an innate bond over this shared experience, and I'm constantly looking for this bond even with strangers. I'm not sure how if would manifest itself, but the experience of childbirth is hardly discussed unless you're pregnant or just were. I've really only "shared" my story with those who ask, and even words don't do it justice. And then it occurred to me, that maybe my experience is unlike others'. Or at least my feelings about it. Maybe it was my lack of drugs. No epidural. No narcotic. No laughing gas. Not even an ibuprofen.
I read a lot and talked to lots of people during my pregnancy about the options for pain relief during labor. At the beginning, I'll be honest, I was game for everything. Bring on the needle in my back. But after watching The Business of Being Born and reading a random library book on birth options, I needed more information. I switched from an ob-gyn to a midwife, looked into home birthing, read about Hypnobirthing, and decided I wanted an unmedicated natural labor in a hospital with a midwife. This seemed like the best of both worlds. Medical intervention if necessary but not offered unless needed.  Then it was a question of, could I do it?
My husband believed in me more than I did. My body knew what to do. It wasn't unbearable. I felt alive, happy, strong, grateful, proud, and overall amazing. I got to feel my little baby's squishy head coming out. The rush when she finally slid all the way out was fantastic. I'd do it all again tomorrow if I could. So, maybe not everyone feels the same way I do about my experience. But whatever the experience, the bond of childbirth should be shared and discussed. What is the forum to do so?

A.D.D.?

Today, baby girl and I joined some coworkers for a Friday happy hour after work. While I tried to be a coherent, attentive adult friend, I found myself totally and utterly distracted. I would attend to conversation for a few lines and then be pulled away by her smiling (or not smiling) face, wondering what she's thinking or what needs. You'd think I could attend to her needs and participate in a simple discussion with peers. But, halfway through I realized that I was not doing a good job listening. I asked them...is this normal?
One fellow mom explained the feeling as what she thought ADD must feel like. It makes sense. I would attempt to listen to stories of what happened at work that day, who said what to whom, and what the latest dating escapades were. While it may be a clear indicator of importance, as much as I tried, I couldn't stay focused very long. Baby girl is thought consuming in a good way. This is just another thing I need to come to terms as a new mom. My guess is that my brain will never quite function as before. I believe the term for this change is dubbed "baby brain." I guess I have one.

You're wearing a colored top!

Yes I am. For a long time, I was only wearing black or dark tops. They would hide extra lbs and any unexpected leakage, especially during exercise. My milk has started to regulate itself. Today I wore a colored top to Zumba class and nursed her without a breast pad on the inactive boob. It was an experiment, but no leakage. I don't seem to get as super full either; I'm just constantly wondering if there's still any milk in there. But she nurses and is content afterwards. The sign of a well fed baby.
I could get used to wearing colored tops and no breast pads. Little by little, just in case.

How's being back at work?

Strangers, acquaintances, even friends ask the general "how are you?" or "how's work?" question. Sometimes it's in passing; sometimes it's for real. I don't really know how to respond appropriately given the time constraints and the truth. I'm supposed to just say, "good thanks," and leave it at that. But, that's really a lie. Sure, things are fine, but occasionally I launch into a longer than desired response about how it's hard and why. When I feel like being just a little honest, I say, "you know, it's hard, but it is what it is." This way I'm not lying, but I'm not delving all the way in.
So, what is the appropriate response? Who should I be honest with and who should I brush off? Better yet, why do people ask such an involved question. The "how's your baby?" question I can handle. That's easy. So the next time someone asks me, I'll just refer them here so they can read it.
How's being back at work?
It is really challenging. Every day it's a struggle to leave my baby girl early in the morning. I get up by 6, cover the under eyes with concealer, hydrate and fuel with caffeine and cereal, squeeze into some pants (getting better), make a lunch, pack my pump bag with the necessary parts, hope my hair looks acceptable after a quick brushing and then I get to feed her. I listen to her breathing and happy eating sounds. She cups her hands near her face. I savor the moment and commit it to memory. As soon as she's done, I hand her off to daddy for burping, and I'm out the door. Some days involve a quick extra pumping before the morning commute.
During the day, I'm honestly so busy that I forget what I'm missing for a few moments. I rush rush rush to get things done. By 10:08 it's time to pump. I spend 15-20 minutes looking at pictures of her and focusing on getting milk to flow. I clean up, wash pump parts and rush to get things ready for my afternoon classes. Teach some more and by 1:51 I 'm pumping again. Even though it's a hassle, it's the time that I devote to her while I'm away. I look forward to it, because I get to feel that connection with her and know that I'm doing something good for here while I'm gone. By 3:31, I'm packed and out the door. I've been trying to get home for her 4:00 pm feeding and most days I've lucked out. We play for an hour or so before she naps again. I push the thoughts of work out of my mind, wishing I didn't have to do it all again the next day. Maybe someday I won't have to.

TGIF!

Weekends used to be about dining out, seeing friends, running errands, and getting my own stuff done. These days it's about logging as many hours with my daughter as possible. Errands get done here and there, but only one at a time. All day Friday I've been planning to spend every moment I can with her. One of my co-workers said she wouldn't have pegged me for one of "those." Um, those? She was referring to the type who wants to stay in and have a quiet night with baby and hubby, on a Friday. When asked to elaborate, she said she was surprised how I've adapted to being a mom so well. I went from going out and living the life, to staying in with my family. I just miss her so much when I'm working all week; I need to make up for it on the weekend. Another mom co-worker said a time will come that I won't miss her that much. She was hinting that one day she will drive me crazy and I'll crave some time away. Can I imagine that now? No. 
But, it's important to keep things balanced. My sweet sweet husband has been asking me to go to a movie for weeks now, and I've finally agreed! We have a date night scheduled for tomorrow night with dinner and a movie. Though it is going to be hard to leave her when I know I don't have to, we're going to have a great time. Next on the list is to schedule a massage; it's been burning a hole in my wallet since Christmas. There are a lot of other things I want to/should do, but I'm not going to bite off too much at once. Baby steps.

Yes! My pants button!!

So, I can't fit into all of my "real" pants yet, but I was feeling pretty darn good when I was able to button my work pants this morning. I had tried them on a few weeks-months ago, and couldn't even zip the fly. Today, I wore them to work! Rounding the corner in the pants department is really encouraging. The baby weight is no joke. The unfamiliar body I've been living in the last few months is finally starting to feel like mine again.
People say that breastfeeding will make the pounds just fall off. Not my experience thus far. The scale seemed broken for a good 8 weeks. I've been teaching Zumba again now for 11 weeks. It took 3 months for it to make a difference in how I feel and how I look. While looks aren't the most important thing, it feels so good to be able to wear the clothes in my closet and workout how I used to. I finally feel that my energy has returned and my abs contract when I ask them to. Eventually I will get into my "skinny" jeans. Until then, I am grateful that I feel better about myself and have clothes to wear. I don't have to go to work bottomless. That's good;)

Taking time out for me

More and more research says that women are better moms if they take care of themselves first. I just read an article today about how important it is to rediscover your passions and hobbies after you have a child. Everyone should have their "thing." Mine is Zumba. Get to have fun AND workout. On the days I don't workout, I just feel different. I don't have the same kind of energy and that don't have that "I can do anything" attitude. No matter what kind of slump I get into during the work day, Zumba can get me out. While Zumba may not be that for everyone, there should be something. It can take years to find, and it may even take you by surprise. I just know I'm a better person and a better mom if I do it. No guilt attached.

New moms unite! Shouldn't we talk?!

I guess I assumed that new moms would have an unspoken connection that should become spoken. The urge to talk about birth, baby and breastfeeding is serious. I figured other new moms would feel this way and we'd be able to bond immediately over our shared experience. A few weeks ago I was shopping in the baby Gap section with my daughter. After spotting another mom with a baby carrier (aka. young baby), I got a little excited. That maybe I'll meet someone new feeling. So, I started with the best mom opener: "how old is s/he?" I got a simple "8 weeks" response. Ok, so no go on my next new friend. I then tried to make small talk about how cute the sale sweaters and swim suits were with her. Again, no luck. I shopped my way out of that section. But, I didn't understand. Didn't we share this awesome, amazing life experience so recently? Didn't other moms feel the way I did, with an overwhelming desire to talk and share?
Then, again this past Friday, I took my daughter the the Nordstroms women's lounge for her afternoon breast session. I'd heard from other moms that it was a nice place to go at the mall. I walk in and there are two other women breastfeeding their babies. I thought, "ooh, fun, someone to talk to while I feed her; great!" I tried my "how old" opener again with the first girl. I basically got out of them that one was 3 weeks the other four. They obviously didn't know each other and didn't want to talk with me either. One of the girls was trying to be really private facing the wall and covering herself up. Weren't we in a public women only lounge with other breastfeeding moms? Again, we share such a unique women only experience and no one want to talk about it or even make small talk together when we see each other? I think we should have a secret new mom code word or signal. Something that says "hey, lets just talk about how awesomely hard it is to be a mom." Perhaps the world or digital communication makes it weird to talk to strangers in public, but with such a bond, new moms shouldnt be strangers. They should be friends.

Daddy's way

Sit her up in the tub (at 3.5 months) and dump a cup of water on her head. That's the way daddy does it. I thought I would watch my hubby give our daughter a bath. What's so funny is that daddy just does things differently than I do. While equally good and loving, he does things I wouldn't dream of doing. When I rinse her shampoo out, I gently lean her back and carefully pour water on her head so it runs down the back. I try to avoid getting water on her face and especially avoid getting tear-free shampoo in her eyes. I have yet to test whether it's actually tear-free. Daddy does the opposite and must think that water on the face is good exposure, and it is. I just didn't even think to do it that way. But, we take turns. This way she gets a variety of experiences. Variety is the spice of life, right?! She must like both of our styles because she smiles as we each bathe her.
Daddy also has a different way of playing, dressing, feeding, and relaxing. Sometimes I feel like the lame parent because I don't come up with the idea of making forts out of blankets lit on the inside by a battery operated touch light. But, I cuddle her as she snuggles up to my breast. He makes her fly around like super-baby, and I wash and sterilize pump parts. But, I realize that our rolls as parents are already different. These roles will continue to change and grow as she does. Neither of us plays or bathes better or worse, just different. She will get the best of both worlds.

Mom guilt

I've always heard the term "mommy guilt," but I never knew how it would feel until recently. Having a baby really puts everything into perspective. Things that used to be really important just aren't anymore, and I find it hard to want to leaver her side. At first, my guilt was mostly about being there to feed her every 3 hours. I felt that if I was choosing to do something and missed a feeding, I was being a bad mom. Silly I know, but I felt terrible because she had to drink breastmilk from a bottle. Silly I know. So, I finally convinced myself that I was being a good mom by providing her the milk to drink in the first place. I've grown a little; I don't feel bad about feeding anymore, partly because I am back at work and being away is not my choice.
Now, I just feel guilty if I'm not with her when I could be. The evening hours during the week seem so short. I rush home to feed her around 4 pm; got to love teacher hours. We hang out and play together till like 5:30-6, and she takes a nap. Lately, we've had to wake her around 8 pm to feed her once more, and she goes to bed for the night. I tell myself that she is happy and we are blessed, but I need to make up for these short evenings somehow. Enter, weekends.
I want to spend every waking and sleeping moment with her. When other obligations or events have come up, the mommy guilt is back. I'm been trying to schedule myself a well-deserved massage since Christmas. Whenever there is time, I can't get myself to go. Same with going to the movies. My husband has been asking me to go to the movies with him for several months now. While I want to go, every time it comes up I'd rather be somewhere where she can join us and we can be together as a family.
My mom told me these guilty feelings never entirely pass, so I'm learning how to try and deal. But, it is baby steps for me. Each decision involves a lot of self talk. Again, women have dealt with this since the beginning of time. Couldn't anyone have found a solution yet?