Spring break is here

I haven't been writing a lot because spring break is here and it is also my pumping break. Instead of pumping three times a day, I've been down to one or none each day this week. My nipples feel great. I've been able to breastfeed and not worry about replenishing the fridge milk supply. It's funny because at my morning pumping sessions, after her early feeding, I've been getting more this week (4 oz instead of 1 oz) than I do regularly during the work week. They say stress plays a roll in milk production; there's your proof.
We've also started solids this weeks. She had 5 days of rice cereal made with breast milk and today she had her first taste of banana. Some days she's liked it more than others. I'd say I've gotten about 5-10 good spoonfuls per time and only one time a day. The mess is incredible. I ordered some plastic bibs so I don't have to use cloth one and launder it each time.
She also rolled over twice today. This happened once before a week and a half ago, but nothing since, till today. I feel like all this new stuff is happening at once. No surprise that she's slept 2 extra long morning naps this week. One was just over three hours and today's was 2 hours and 45 minutes. Crazy.
Here's my early link love:
http://www.babysignlanguage.com/basics/
http://wholesomebabyfood.momtastic.com/

Babies rock!

Today was truly a unique experience. Baby girl and I got together with my grad-school friends. Eight years ago, we all met. We were single, childless, optimistic creatures. Today, we're mostly married with children (the oldest is 26 months) or a baby on the way (4.5 months preggo) and ever so optimistic. Life's just a little different than it was, but it's interesting to see how our paths have diverged and converged again over time. The overall consensus of the group was: babies rock. Each of us seems to happy with our situation and the presence of these little humans. It was so refreshing.
Society tells us that our life will never be the same after baby (A.B.) as it was before baby (B.B.) While this is true, it seems like people say that in a bad way. They mean that you'll never get to work out (not true), you won't be able to go out to dinner (also not true), your house will be messy (true sometimes but it was BB too), and overall you'll just be so consumed with babyness that you forget who you are as an adult (not true most of the time). I feel like society had me quivering in fear over what my life would be like AB. Not that we waited a long time BB, but had I known what I know now, I would have started way before. I was afraid for no reason. I love being a mom. So do my friends I saw today.
I do know people though, who make children and babies sound like such a burden. They can't wait to get away from them whether it's for work, for fun, or just for show. They don't want to change a diaper. They warn me of nasty things that may be to come. They're trying to instill that fear in me again. Maybe I'll feel differently someday, but right now I love it and can't get enough of baby girl.

Growing up fast

You always here people say that children grow up fast. I had no idea. I feel like she gets bigger and develops a new skill in the 8 hours I'm gone Monday thru Friday. Today I came home and she looked like a real baby. Even a few months ago, I went to a friends' baby shower and there was a 6 month old baby there. She was sitting, eating toys, and awake for a 2 hour stretch. Baby girl turns 5 months this weekend and is not too far from that.
We switched her to her big girl, seated stroller. On Saturday, I put her in her bassinet for a walk and she was doing a mini baby an crunch, straining to sit up. While she was far off, I could tell what she wanted. Once sitting up and looking wrong, she was content.
Today in the bath, she did the same thing and wanted to sit instead of swim. She was splashing the water with her hand and actually grabbing her turtle squirter. When she turtle would float away, she would whine and splash more. She's never before reacted to not having her toy. This was only a taste of what's to come, I'm sure. She's sitting better, becoming much more aware, and being more decisive about what she wants.
While I'm glad she's following a normal developmental timeline, I find myself a little sad of the days and weeks that have already passed. She will never be a newborn again. She will never need me to help her latch on. She won't be milk-drunk the same way. She won't wake up for middle of the night feedings. She won't be content just laying together. She doesn't fall asleep on my shoulder anymore. All these are things I already miss. I just hope I remember these wonderful days down the road, and I don't wake up from sleep deprivation to find those memories dimmer.

Only 1 hour?!

Seeing my baby girl for 1 hour a day is not enough. I fed her this morning at 6:31. After getting dressed, eating breakfast, pumping, and packing pump parts, I was out the door. After school (I'm a teacher), I got home to feed her again. We played for about 30 minutes after and then it was time to go again. Yes, I love teaching Zumba, but sometimes it'd be easier not to. Lately, the hardest part is just leaving her. Once I'm gone or there, I am fine. I feel good; I'm social and working out. But, the leaving is rough.
Typically, she's been napping while I'm gone and then eating again at about 8:30 pm. Tonight, I got home at 7:15 (that's really fast considering my class ends at 7:00) to daddy saying she'd just eaten. And, total disappointment sets in. Why? It must be that now my expectation of the night has changed. She's asleep, has eaten already, and I may not get to see her awake again tonight. Of course, I should be happy that she was fed when she was hungry. He did the right thing, but I have to talk myself down.
Then comes the readjusting of my plan for the evening. Should I wake her later to feed her again? Do we let her try and sleep till morning? (unlikely) Do I pump now and hope that I produce enough to feed her again in an hour? Do I wake her in an hour, feed her, then pump if there's left over? Will my mission to increase supply be squashed by this evening? Why does it bother me that I'm down one bottle from my stockpile? (there's plenty in there) So, I'm talking myself down by writing. I know that I can't plan and always expect to follow that plan with baby girl around. I have to accept that things will vary. Hopefully I'll get more than one hour tomorrow.

Baby steps...

No, she's not walking yet. But I've made significant progress in several areas.
#1
I went for my massage today. My husband's been kindly reminding me, since Christmas, that I had a 1 hour massage waiting. He even offered to schedule the appointment for me. After many weekends, I finally succumbed to my hour of relaxation. It was divine.
#2
I've been pumping 5-6 oz at each workday pumping session, instead of the usual 4-5 oz. While it might seem like peanuts to some, every little bit helps. And helps me feel not so bad when I've had to pump and dump. Yes, I know. Challenging, but I know it's the right thing.
#3
Last night, I took my hubby to a birthday dinner. For weeks I was just planning on bringing baby girl along. Figured we go somewhere casual enough with delicious food.  After making 3 reservations, 2 for earlier so we could bring her, and one for later without her, I asked my co-workers for advice. They were unanimous in saying without. Mostly, I'm usually just being selfish because I go through withdrawal during the week. I didn't want to give her up on a Friday night. But, on a last minute whim, my sister offered to babysit, so I went for it. We dropped her off and went to dinner. And, I survived. You could even say I allowed myself to have a good time.

Other highlights of this week...
-Got to teach Zumba at an awesome downtown event!
-Shared a bathroom pumping session with a coworker.
-Went to a local baby store mommy appreciation night with a friend and chatted up some other moms.
-Got to see both of my friends' new babies and held them.
-Met my mom and baby girl for a lunch date during work on Wednesday. Special circumstances. Felt spoiled to see her in the middle of the day.

To increase breast milk production

To increase me supply. That is my goal. Baby girl has started eating 5-7 oz per bottle feeding. She has two of these a day, but while I'm pumping at work I only get 4-5 oz per pumping session. So, the obvious problem is she's consuming more than I'm producing. We've been delving into the freezer stock for two reasons. First, they say milk should only be frozen for 4-6 months. She's over 4 months old now, so the milk I froze in her first few months needs to be used. Second is this supply problem. While it's not actually a problem yet, I like to be proactive.
Project increase milk supply has begun. I'm drinking extra water. My mom is convinced I might float away and wonders why I'm not up 5 times a night just to use the bathroom. Since I ordered some Mother's Milk tea, I've started drinking at least one cup per day, wondering when I will see some results. My mom told me to start drinking beer at night. I've never been much a beer person, but I'm going to try. Now, I'm instilling an additional evening pumping session on nights I'm home.
On top of all this, she seems to be actually nursing for less time than she was before. Last week I went to breastfeeding support group. I weighed her before and after feeding. She was quick to finish and distracted yet ate over 5 oz in that short time. So, I know I'm producing enough during nursing sessions. I can't help but wonder if I'm only pumping 4-5 oz because I'm at work. It's not the most breast friendly place. I look at pictures of her, read about breastfeeding, breathe deeply, and have even brought her clothing/burp clothes so inspire my breasts. Hopefully I'll get over this hump and be able to continue on.

2 new friends

Baby girl got 2 new friends this weekend. It was weird but good hearing about me friends' labors. We went to both hospitals. One was where I delivered. I knew what to expect, but my friend was rooming right next to where I was only 4 months ago. Being back felt good. Familiar. The other hospital was recently remodeled and WOW! It felt like a luxury hotel with swanky lighting. Makes me want to reconsider where I give birth next time if I decide to do it in a hospital again.
What I want to do is lend my friends my ear. I want to be there to listen to them tell and retell their stories. Even though my friends were going through similar things the same weekend, each labor is so unique. I wish them the very best and can't wait to enter this new stage of life together.

LEB

LEB are the initials of my baby girl and her new friend who was born late last night! I'm still waiting to hear the labor story and visit my friend in the hospital, and I'm still waiting to hear the outcome of labor number 2. But, it's been on my mind so much that I even dreamt t their experiences in the four hours of sleep I got.
Getting in bed after midnight, I was a little groggy when I got up at 4:20 am to rock baby back asleep. Again at 5:15, I tried a pacifier. At 5:55 I climbed into the bed in her room to nurse. I cuddled her up to me, on her side, and tried to rest as she ate. Even in the early morning darkness I could see her looking up at me. We laid like that for probably an hour. I kept thinking she would drift off and let go, but nope. Whether for comfort or hunger, she kept going. It was sweet. Then she rolled onto her back and started raking the blanket with her fingers. She raked and pulled it all the way into her mouth. She wasn't going to slepp anymore. When I finally got up to change her diaper, it was 7:30. Though exhausted, the look in her eyes and the smile on her face, her vigorous kicking on the changing table just assure me that she's happy, full and secure. All worth it.

Double labor

I'm pumping on my work break thinking about my 2 close friends in L and D right now! They were both due this Sunday. Weird. And they both texted me last night about 5:30 saying they were being induced. Double weird. I woke up this bright and early this morning hoping for good news.  Nada. It's now 2:11 pm the next day, and I want to know whats happening. I'm so excited to share this life  changing moment with them. But, I'm also hoping they're not enduring a grueling, terribly long labor. I offered to be present for both labors  if they wanted me, and they both politely declined. Good thing I don't have to choose. Overall, I've just become a little obsessed with labor, babies, breastfeeding. I'm hoping the agree to let me  record them telling their labor stories. Everyone's experience is similar yet so different, they need to be shared. So, I'm excited, waiting eagerly to find out what experience they had. I want to be there to hear them and support them. Any minute now would be fine!

A life with breastfeeding

I really think this picture is true. However, some speak more directly to me than others. I've shown the picture to a couple people, but it didn't seem to resonate with them the same way. Perhaps it is because I am exclusively breastfeeding. While I have the support of my husband, family and friends, I feel like society and the media don't get it at all. I am not a girl gone wild. I do feel like I'm completing a superhuman act that requires skills and balance. And that milk drunk smile that baby girls gets afterwards makes it so worthwhile. Needless to say, my life would be a lot easier if societal support of breastfeeding existed.
I met my sister for coffee yesterday at a bustling Lincoln Square cafe. I knew I'd have to feed my daughter there and was fully prepared for the task. I had all the gear in tow. I guess I just wasn't prepared to be seated on a banquette style booth with two young men facing me at the tables to my left and right. I chickened out. We ended up walking a few stores down to a baby gear store and feeding her there. Should I be upset that I didn't follow through with my original plan? Did I chicken out for myself or for their benefit? Overall, baby girl had a meal and everything worked out. I just felt like I would be stared down if I whipped out my breast. Was a wrong? Should I have done it anyway? Why do I even have to worry about such things? Women should be able to breastfeed wherever, whenever and however needed. Breast is best!

Drugs or no drugs?

My labor and delivery was an AMAZING, profound, life-changing experience. If someone had told me that before, I probably would have shrugged it off figuring that's what everyone says about childbirth. But, I just can't get over it and wish I could yell it in the streets, or from a mountain top. I feel like all women with children have an innate bond over this shared experience, and I'm constantly looking for this bond even with strangers. I'm not sure how if would manifest itself, but the experience of childbirth is hardly discussed unless you're pregnant or just were. I've really only "shared" my story with those who ask, and even words don't do it justice. And then it occurred to me, that maybe my experience is unlike others'. Or at least my feelings about it. Maybe it was my lack of drugs. No epidural. No narcotic. No laughing gas. Not even an ibuprofen.
I read a lot and talked to lots of people during my pregnancy about the options for pain relief during labor. At the beginning, I'll be honest, I was game for everything. Bring on the needle in my back. But after watching The Business of Being Born and reading a random library book on birth options, I needed more information. I switched from an ob-gyn to a midwife, looked into home birthing, read about Hypnobirthing, and decided I wanted an unmedicated natural labor in a hospital with a midwife. This seemed like the best of both worlds. Medical intervention if necessary but not offered unless needed.  Then it was a question of, could I do it?
My husband believed in me more than I did. My body knew what to do. It wasn't unbearable. I felt alive, happy, strong, grateful, proud, and overall amazing. I got to feel my little baby's squishy head coming out. The rush when she finally slid all the way out was fantastic. I'd do it all again tomorrow if I could. So, maybe not everyone feels the same way I do about my experience. But whatever the experience, the bond of childbirth should be shared and discussed. What is the forum to do so?

A.D.D.?

Today, baby girl and I joined some coworkers for a Friday happy hour after work. While I tried to be a coherent, attentive adult friend, I found myself totally and utterly distracted. I would attend to conversation for a few lines and then be pulled away by her smiling (or not smiling) face, wondering what she's thinking or what needs. You'd think I could attend to her needs and participate in a simple discussion with peers. But, halfway through I realized that I was not doing a good job listening. I asked them...is this normal?
One fellow mom explained the feeling as what she thought ADD must feel like. It makes sense. I would attempt to listen to stories of what happened at work that day, who said what to whom, and what the latest dating escapades were. While it may be a clear indicator of importance, as much as I tried, I couldn't stay focused very long. Baby girl is thought consuming in a good way. This is just another thing I need to come to terms as a new mom. My guess is that my brain will never quite function as before. I believe the term for this change is dubbed "baby brain." I guess I have one.

You're wearing a colored top!

Yes I am. For a long time, I was only wearing black or dark tops. They would hide extra lbs and any unexpected leakage, especially during exercise. My milk has started to regulate itself. Today I wore a colored top to Zumba class and nursed her without a breast pad on the inactive boob. It was an experiment, but no leakage. I don't seem to get as super full either; I'm just constantly wondering if there's still any milk in there. But she nurses and is content afterwards. The sign of a well fed baby.
I could get used to wearing colored tops and no breast pads. Little by little, just in case.

How's being back at work?

Strangers, acquaintances, even friends ask the general "how are you?" or "how's work?" question. Sometimes it's in passing; sometimes it's for real. I don't really know how to respond appropriately given the time constraints and the truth. I'm supposed to just say, "good thanks," and leave it at that. But, that's really a lie. Sure, things are fine, but occasionally I launch into a longer than desired response about how it's hard and why. When I feel like being just a little honest, I say, "you know, it's hard, but it is what it is." This way I'm not lying, but I'm not delving all the way in.
So, what is the appropriate response? Who should I be honest with and who should I brush off? Better yet, why do people ask such an involved question. The "how's your baby?" question I can handle. That's easy. So the next time someone asks me, I'll just refer them here so they can read it.
How's being back at work?
It is really challenging. Every day it's a struggle to leave my baby girl early in the morning. I get up by 6, cover the under eyes with concealer, hydrate and fuel with caffeine and cereal, squeeze into some pants (getting better), make a lunch, pack my pump bag with the necessary parts, hope my hair looks acceptable after a quick brushing and then I get to feed her. I listen to her breathing and happy eating sounds. She cups her hands near her face. I savor the moment and commit it to memory. As soon as she's done, I hand her off to daddy for burping, and I'm out the door. Some days involve a quick extra pumping before the morning commute.
During the day, I'm honestly so busy that I forget what I'm missing for a few moments. I rush rush rush to get things done. By 10:08 it's time to pump. I spend 15-20 minutes looking at pictures of her and focusing on getting milk to flow. I clean up, wash pump parts and rush to get things ready for my afternoon classes. Teach some more and by 1:51 I 'm pumping again. Even though it's a hassle, it's the time that I devote to her while I'm away. I look forward to it, because I get to feel that connection with her and know that I'm doing something good for here while I'm gone. By 3:31, I'm packed and out the door. I've been trying to get home for her 4:00 pm feeding and most days I've lucked out. We play for an hour or so before she naps again. I push the thoughts of work out of my mind, wishing I didn't have to do it all again the next day. Maybe someday I won't have to.

TGIF!

Weekends used to be about dining out, seeing friends, running errands, and getting my own stuff done. These days it's about logging as many hours with my daughter as possible. Errands get done here and there, but only one at a time. All day Friday I've been planning to spend every moment I can with her. One of my co-workers said she wouldn't have pegged me for one of "those." Um, those? She was referring to the type who wants to stay in and have a quiet night with baby and hubby, on a Friday. When asked to elaborate, she said she was surprised how I've adapted to being a mom so well. I went from going out and living the life, to staying in with my family. I just miss her so much when I'm working all week; I need to make up for it on the weekend. Another mom co-worker said a time will come that I won't miss her that much. She was hinting that one day she will drive me crazy and I'll crave some time away. Can I imagine that now? No. 
But, it's important to keep things balanced. My sweet sweet husband has been asking me to go to a movie for weeks now, and I've finally agreed! We have a date night scheduled for tomorrow night with dinner and a movie. Though it is going to be hard to leave her when I know I don't have to, we're going to have a great time. Next on the list is to schedule a massage; it's been burning a hole in my wallet since Christmas. There are a lot of other things I want to/should do, but I'm not going to bite off too much at once. Baby steps.

Yes! My pants button!!

So, I can't fit into all of my "real" pants yet, but I was feeling pretty darn good when I was able to button my work pants this morning. I had tried them on a few weeks-months ago, and couldn't even zip the fly. Today, I wore them to work! Rounding the corner in the pants department is really encouraging. The baby weight is no joke. The unfamiliar body I've been living in the last few months is finally starting to feel like mine again.
People say that breastfeeding will make the pounds just fall off. Not my experience thus far. The scale seemed broken for a good 8 weeks. I've been teaching Zumba again now for 11 weeks. It took 3 months for it to make a difference in how I feel and how I look. While looks aren't the most important thing, it feels so good to be able to wear the clothes in my closet and workout how I used to. I finally feel that my energy has returned and my abs contract when I ask them to. Eventually I will get into my "skinny" jeans. Until then, I am grateful that I feel better about myself and have clothes to wear. I don't have to go to work bottomless. That's good;)

Taking time out for me

More and more research says that women are better moms if they take care of themselves first. I just read an article today about how important it is to rediscover your passions and hobbies after you have a child. Everyone should have their "thing." Mine is Zumba. Get to have fun AND workout. On the days I don't workout, I just feel different. I don't have the same kind of energy and that don't have that "I can do anything" attitude. No matter what kind of slump I get into during the work day, Zumba can get me out. While Zumba may not be that for everyone, there should be something. It can take years to find, and it may even take you by surprise. I just know I'm a better person and a better mom if I do it. No guilt attached.

New moms unite! Shouldn't we talk?!

I guess I assumed that new moms would have an unspoken connection that should become spoken. The urge to talk about birth, baby and breastfeeding is serious. I figured other new moms would feel this way and we'd be able to bond immediately over our shared experience. A few weeks ago I was shopping in the baby Gap section with my daughter. After spotting another mom with a baby carrier (aka. young baby), I got a little excited. That maybe I'll meet someone new feeling. So, I started with the best mom opener: "how old is s/he?" I got a simple "8 weeks" response. Ok, so no go on my next new friend. I then tried to make small talk about how cute the sale sweaters and swim suits were with her. Again, no luck. I shopped my way out of that section. But, I didn't understand. Didn't we share this awesome, amazing life experience so recently? Didn't other moms feel the way I did, with an overwhelming desire to talk and share?
Then, again this past Friday, I took my daughter the the Nordstroms women's lounge for her afternoon breast session. I'd heard from other moms that it was a nice place to go at the mall. I walk in and there are two other women breastfeeding their babies. I thought, "ooh, fun, someone to talk to while I feed her; great!" I tried my "how old" opener again with the first girl. I basically got out of them that one was 3 weeks the other four. They obviously didn't know each other and didn't want to talk with me either. One of the girls was trying to be really private facing the wall and covering herself up. Weren't we in a public women only lounge with other breastfeeding moms? Again, we share such a unique women only experience and no one want to talk about it or even make small talk together when we see each other? I think we should have a secret new mom code word or signal. Something that says "hey, lets just talk about how awesomely hard it is to be a mom." Perhaps the world or digital communication makes it weird to talk to strangers in public, but with such a bond, new moms shouldnt be strangers. They should be friends.

Daddy's way

Sit her up in the tub (at 3.5 months) and dump a cup of water on her head. That's the way daddy does it. I thought I would watch my hubby give our daughter a bath. What's so funny is that daddy just does things differently than I do. While equally good and loving, he does things I wouldn't dream of doing. When I rinse her shampoo out, I gently lean her back and carefully pour water on her head so it runs down the back. I try to avoid getting water on her face and especially avoid getting tear-free shampoo in her eyes. I have yet to test whether it's actually tear-free. Daddy does the opposite and must think that water on the face is good exposure, and it is. I just didn't even think to do it that way. But, we take turns. This way she gets a variety of experiences. Variety is the spice of life, right?! She must like both of our styles because she smiles as we each bathe her.
Daddy also has a different way of playing, dressing, feeding, and relaxing. Sometimes I feel like the lame parent because I don't come up with the idea of making forts out of blankets lit on the inside by a battery operated touch light. But, I cuddle her as she snuggles up to my breast. He makes her fly around like super-baby, and I wash and sterilize pump parts. But, I realize that our rolls as parents are already different. These roles will continue to change and grow as she does. Neither of us plays or bathes better or worse, just different. She will get the best of both worlds.

Mom guilt

I've always heard the term "mommy guilt," but I never knew how it would feel until recently. Having a baby really puts everything into perspective. Things that used to be really important just aren't anymore, and I find it hard to want to leaver her side. At first, my guilt was mostly about being there to feed her every 3 hours. I felt that if I was choosing to do something and missed a feeding, I was being a bad mom. Silly I know, but I felt terrible because she had to drink breastmilk from a bottle. Silly I know. So, I finally convinced myself that I was being a good mom by providing her the milk to drink in the first place. I've grown a little; I don't feel bad about feeding anymore, partly because I am back at work and being away is not my choice.
Now, I just feel guilty if I'm not with her when I could be. The evening hours during the week seem so short. I rush home to feed her around 4 pm; got to love teacher hours. We hang out and play together till like 5:30-6, and she takes a nap. Lately, we've had to wake her around 8 pm to feed her once more, and she goes to bed for the night. I tell myself that she is happy and we are blessed, but I need to make up for these short evenings somehow. Enter, weekends.
I want to spend every waking and sleeping moment with her. When other obligations or events have come up, the mommy guilt is back. I'm been trying to schedule myself a well-deserved massage since Christmas. Whenever there is time, I can't get myself to go. Same with going to the movies. My husband has been asking me to go to the movies with him for several months now. While I want to go, every time it comes up I'd rather be somewhere where she can join us and we can be together as a family.
My mom told me these guilty feelings never entirely pass, so I'm learning how to try and deal. But, it is baby steps for me. Each decision involves a lot of self talk. Again, women have dealt with this since the beginning of time. Couldn't anyone have found a solution yet?

Up days and down days

I've come to the conclusion, that as a mother, the progression of feeling ok when you leave your child is not linear. By saying that there is progression, I am conceding that perhaps things will eventually get easier. They hopefully will; everyone says they do. It is just not fun to be leaving a young baby in another person's care for the majority of everyday for 5 five days in a row, every week. I feel like I want to be the one to wipe her spit up, change her poopy diaper, rock her when she's crying, feed her, and hold her all day if needed. I want to be the one she smiles for, laughs with, and rattles her toys at.
Yesterday, I was weepy. I cried the night before thinking about being gone. Then, I cried in the car, dropping her off, all the way to work and talking about her in the morning. The tears came during the day and at night too, thinking about how little time I got to spend with her only to have just as little today. But, today I was fine. Yes, I was sad and missed her, but no tears. So, you'd think I'm "getting better," but the thing is, there's no telling what tomorrow will hold. I could be worse off than yesterday or better than today. I've been working now for 4 weeks, and I've seen things progress and then revert without notice. Even today, a co-worker texted me midday. She was weepy today, but yesterday she had been fine. Mine was the reverse. Why? Maybe someone knows, but it seems arbitrary and it's not just me! The only solution I know is if the whole situation (leaving her) could be avoided. I've tried to seek the comfort of others who have gone before me, but their solace does not always help. Hopefully I'm wrong and things will continue "progressing."

Pumping in front of others...taboo?

Today, I had to pump and work and invited some of my friends (aka co-workers that I like) to join me during my break for a pumping party. They were like, "um, aren't you busy at that time?" Yes, but it's nice to talk to people, and it doesn't happen very often when the majority of my break time is MOO time. So, I invited them and one came. She came in, we had a laugh and then chatted about how to get my daughter to nap longer stretches. Nothing was really decided, it was just nice to have a social break in the middle of the day; they've been lacking. My other friend joined us at the end of my session. I was sitting behind my desk, so not fully exposed.
As I was on my home, I realized that maybe it was ok to breastfeed in front of girlfriends, but not pump. Maybe like it's ok to pee in front of girlfriends, but you'd never want them there for a big poop (baby language). I wondered if they were really wierded out by my invite. Before today, I've pumped in front of my husband and my mom, and baby girl of course. Husband is super turned off and would prefer I didn't do it around him. Too bad, I'm doing it for our daughter, so I get to do it where I please. My mom's reaction was jealousy. When she pumped for me, she had to use a manual pump and could only do one side at a time. My sister walked in on me pumping once, and the shock was evident on her face. She's one of those that you can read everything from her expression. She was glad it wasn't her, yet, and was happy to move on.
I also had to pump one time in a public locker room. It wasn't a busy time, and I tried to find a isolated corner with an outlet and a place to sit. But, locker room luck would have it that wherever I got settled, someone would come claim their stuff from the locker right next to me. And yep, this young girl tiptoed out of the shower to find me is full letdown next to her locker. Oh well, I had to get my 5 oz and wasn't going to let a little public indecency endanger my milk supply or explode. So, I'll take it that since they came to my pumping party, that they were ok with it, but in retrospect I wonder if pumping in front of others is taboo.

You can never have enough...

Breastmilk. I have like 10 bottles in the fridge, each with 4-5 oz ready to go. She'll eat the first two or three while I'm gone tomorrow at work, and I'll pump twice at work to replace what she had. However, if she eats three times while I'm gone, then I'll only have 9 bottles in my stash. Do you see my problem? I'm not one of those who pumps records 13 oz in a sitting, nor am I a "milk dud" who pumps 1 oz in 20 minutes. I would consider myself average.
If I pump to replace a feeding, aka I'm not with my beautiful daughter, I get the 4-5 oz that she would typically consume. If I try and pump between feedings or at night after she's gone to bed, I might get 2-3 oz depending. The hard thing is, I never know if what I'm doing it right. Obviously, I know I'm over thinking things, because as long as my baby is fed and happy, things are ultimately ok, which they are.
For example, yesterday I fed her at 8:00 am. She didn't seem super hungry, so I pumped to get less full at like 9:15. Then, I had to leave at like 10:20. So I left, and daddy fed her with a bottle of breastmilk at 10:45. I got home at 12:30 pm. I had to shower (was sweaty from teaching my class) and eat the lunch my hubby had to lovingly prepared for me. By this time is was probably 1 pm. I knew she would be eating again in 30-45 minutes. So, to pump or not to pump...that is the question. I was full having not fed or pumped in 4 hours, but didn't want to be empty when it came time to nurse her. If I waited, I knew I was skipping a feeding etc. They (lactation specialist) say that you are never quite empty, but there's definitely times when I have a feeling not much is coming out. So, I hemmed and hawed about what to do. Ended up pumping for a short time, equaling 3 oz and then feeding her when she work up at like 1:30.
I did what I thought was best, but no one explains these things, not even the books I so diligently rely on. So, when she ate at 4:20 pm, I ended up nursing her for almost an hour just to make up for it. Did she need to eat that long? No way. Was any milk coming out after the first 20 minutes? Probably not. Did I feel like I was doing something good for her? Yes, she was cozy, snuggled, half asleep, and helping my increase my milk production.

Um...isn't it in the book?!

It's weird that in this information age, people don't read. I love that people ask me questions about my pregnancy, my labor, my recovery, and my first months as a new mom (I could talk about it all day), but all the stuff they're asking about is in books or online. Maybe not in the 1 sentence app updates, but available in many places if you search for it. A lot of the answers I give them are straight from book.
When I found out I was pregnant, in March of '11, I launched myself into reading, not just online, but actual books. I went from reading light chick-lit to wanting to know everything about pregnancy, L & D, breastfeeding, parenting etc. I was pretty much obsessed and didn't want to read anything else. Even my mom didn't understand why I was reading so much; she thought I should just ask her. But I loved it. It made me feel more connected with my baby even before she was born. In the summer, I spend hours at the beach reading about how to get a baby to latch properly, the ups and downs of medical interventions during labor, and how to give a newborn a bath. I just don't understand why people (or my friends) wouldn't do the same.
My favorite book was probably Exercising Through Your Pregnancy by James F. Clapp III. The research that he did was clear and justified everything I was doing during pregnancy. The benefits of exercise were and are immense. It reminded me of my college days reading Psych research. But, when I was searching for information on exercise during pregnancy, I couldn't believe that this was the only resource. Sure, every prenatal book gives a little blurb on fitness: start gradually; walking's good; don't work too intensely; ask your doctor...but I wanted FACTS! While there were facts in Clapp's book, I still think there needs to be more information out there for women. Research needs to be done. Anyone?
I also read all of Ina May Gaskin's books on childbirth and breastfeeding. While extreme to a certain extent, they let me formulate a plan of exactly what I wanted for myself and for my daughter.
I read What to Expect When You're Expecting. That's about all I have to say about that one. Felt like I should. Other reads: Head Home With Your Newborn, Nursing Mother's Companion, Belly Laughs, Babywise, Hypnobirthing, Baby Bargains, New Mother's Guide to Breastfeeding, The Mommy Docs Guide to Pregnancy, and more. Even though I didn't really like them all, or agree with what they had to say, at least I felt informed.
I have and plan to continue my reading into the next phases...sleeping, eating, playing, development, parenting, communicating etc. I am always looking for suggestions. I thought that's what everyone would do, but I guess that's not the case. Sometimes I have to remind myself that women have been having babies since the beginning of time; maybe we don't need to read books. But, it's not something women seem to discuss unless you're pregnant, trying to get pregnant, or recently pregnant. In our society, it just doens't seem like it is at the forefront of women's minds until it's time. We should be sharing resources, experiences and stories throughout our lives and make it more a part of our society. I didn't even know my own birth story until I was pregnant and asked my mom. Why is this?

Can I do it all?

So...people call me crazy sometimes, but I think it's just the way I am.
I'm crazy for teaching a popular fitness class 4 times a week until I was 37 weeks pregant. My husband made me give him a stop date. So I did. 37 weeks. I would have kept it up. I convinced him to still let me "work out" beyond 37 weeks. After spending Monday afternoon on the elliptical at my gym, I woke up to contractions at about 3:00 am on Tuesday. Baby girl was born at 38.5 weeks. Later that week, I checked my email; a co-worker asked, "didn't I see you at the gym on Monday?" Yep. I took off 5.5 weeks and was back in full swing.
I'm crazy for wanting to cloth diaper my daughter without having in-unit laundry. I have to wait for the washer sometimes, 2 floors down in our condo building but it's not bad. The bucket doesn't really stink, unless you open it. Baby poop stains a little, but the diapers are clean even if they're a little yellow.
I'm crazy for wanting to pump at work and keep exclusively breast-feeding, hopefully for a year. Spending 40-50 minutes out of each work day with my door locked and me breasts exposed, I'm late to meetings and have to put my milk in the communal fridge. But, I'm doing it all for her. Some people don't get that.
I plan to parent, travel, work out, teach fitness, breastfeed, cloth diaper, love my husband and daughter, see my friends, lose weight, cook more, spend less, ride my bike, visit my family, read books, dress well and work a full time job.
Call me crazy. Can I do it all?