Spring break is here

I haven't been writing a lot because spring break is here and it is also my pumping break. Instead of pumping three times a day, I've been down to one or none each day this week. My nipples feel great. I've been able to breastfeed and not worry about replenishing the fridge milk supply. It's funny because at my morning pumping sessions, after her early feeding, I've been getting more this week (4 oz instead of 1 oz) than I do regularly during the work week. They say stress plays a roll in milk production; there's your proof.
We've also started solids this weeks. She had 5 days of rice cereal made with breast milk and today she had her first taste of banana. Some days she's liked it more than others. I'd say I've gotten about 5-10 good spoonfuls per time and only one time a day. The mess is incredible. I ordered some plastic bibs so I don't have to use cloth one and launder it each time.
She also rolled over twice today. This happened once before a week and a half ago, but nothing since, till today. I feel like all this new stuff is happening at once. No surprise that she's slept 2 extra long morning naps this week. One was just over three hours and today's was 2 hours and 45 minutes. Crazy.
Here's my early link love:
http://www.babysignlanguage.com/basics/
http://wholesomebabyfood.momtastic.com/

Only 1 hour?!

Seeing my baby girl for 1 hour a day is not enough. I fed her this morning at 6:31. After getting dressed, eating breakfast, pumping, and packing pump parts, I was out the door. After school (I'm a teacher), I got home to feed her again. We played for about 30 minutes after and then it was time to go again. Yes, I love teaching Zumba, but sometimes it'd be easier not to. Lately, the hardest part is just leaving her. Once I'm gone or there, I am fine. I feel good; I'm social and working out. But, the leaving is rough.
Typically, she's been napping while I'm gone and then eating again at about 8:30 pm. Tonight, I got home at 7:15 (that's really fast considering my class ends at 7:00) to daddy saying she'd just eaten. And, total disappointment sets in. Why? It must be that now my expectation of the night has changed. She's asleep, has eaten already, and I may not get to see her awake again tonight. Of course, I should be happy that she was fed when she was hungry. He did the right thing, but I have to talk myself down.
Then comes the readjusting of my plan for the evening. Should I wake her later to feed her again? Do we let her try and sleep till morning? (unlikely) Do I pump now and hope that I produce enough to feed her again in an hour? Do I wake her in an hour, feed her, then pump if there's left over? Will my mission to increase supply be squashed by this evening? Why does it bother me that I'm down one bottle from my stockpile? (there's plenty in there) So, I'm talking myself down by writing. I know that I can't plan and always expect to follow that plan with baby girl around. I have to accept that things will vary. Hopefully I'll get more than one hour tomorrow.

Baby steps...

No, she's not walking yet. But I've made significant progress in several areas.
#1
I went for my massage today. My husband's been kindly reminding me, since Christmas, that I had a 1 hour massage waiting. He even offered to schedule the appointment for me. After many weekends, I finally succumbed to my hour of relaxation. It was divine.
#2
I've been pumping 5-6 oz at each workday pumping session, instead of the usual 4-5 oz. While it might seem like peanuts to some, every little bit helps. And helps me feel not so bad when I've had to pump and dump. Yes, I know. Challenging, but I know it's the right thing.
#3
Last night, I took my hubby to a birthday dinner. For weeks I was just planning on bringing baby girl along. Figured we go somewhere casual enough with delicious food.  After making 3 reservations, 2 for earlier so we could bring her, and one for later without her, I asked my co-workers for advice. They were unanimous in saying without. Mostly, I'm usually just being selfish because I go through withdrawal during the week. I didn't want to give her up on a Friday night. But, on a last minute whim, my sister offered to babysit, so I went for it. We dropped her off and went to dinner. And, I survived. You could even say I allowed myself to have a good time.

Other highlights of this week...
-Got to teach Zumba at an awesome downtown event!
-Shared a bathroom pumping session with a coworker.
-Went to a local baby store mommy appreciation night with a friend and chatted up some other moms.
-Got to see both of my friends' new babies and held them.
-Met my mom and baby girl for a lunch date during work on Wednesday. Special circumstances. Felt spoiled to see her in the middle of the day.

To increase breast milk production

To increase me supply. That is my goal. Baby girl has started eating 5-7 oz per bottle feeding. She has two of these a day, but while I'm pumping at work I only get 4-5 oz per pumping session. So, the obvious problem is she's consuming more than I'm producing. We've been delving into the freezer stock for two reasons. First, they say milk should only be frozen for 4-6 months. She's over 4 months old now, so the milk I froze in her first few months needs to be used. Second is this supply problem. While it's not actually a problem yet, I like to be proactive.
Project increase milk supply has begun. I'm drinking extra water. My mom is convinced I might float away and wonders why I'm not up 5 times a night just to use the bathroom. Since I ordered some Mother's Milk tea, I've started drinking at least one cup per day, wondering when I will see some results. My mom told me to start drinking beer at night. I've never been much a beer person, but I'm going to try. Now, I'm instilling an additional evening pumping session on nights I'm home.
On top of all this, she seems to be actually nursing for less time than she was before. Last week I went to breastfeeding support group. I weighed her before and after feeding. She was quick to finish and distracted yet ate over 5 oz in that short time. So, I know I'm producing enough during nursing sessions. I can't help but wonder if I'm only pumping 4-5 oz because I'm at work. It's not the most breast friendly place. I look at pictures of her, read about breastfeeding, breathe deeply, and have even brought her clothing/burp clothes so inspire my breasts. Hopefully I'll get over this hump and be able to continue on.

LEB

LEB are the initials of my baby girl and her new friend who was born late last night! I'm still waiting to hear the labor story and visit my friend in the hospital, and I'm still waiting to hear the outcome of labor number 2. But, it's been on my mind so much that I even dreamt t their experiences in the four hours of sleep I got.
Getting in bed after midnight, I was a little groggy when I got up at 4:20 am to rock baby back asleep. Again at 5:15, I tried a pacifier. At 5:55 I climbed into the bed in her room to nurse. I cuddled her up to me, on her side, and tried to rest as she ate. Even in the early morning darkness I could see her looking up at me. We laid like that for probably an hour. I kept thinking she would drift off and let go, but nope. Whether for comfort or hunger, she kept going. It was sweet. Then she rolled onto her back and started raking the blanket with her fingers. She raked and pulled it all the way into her mouth. She wasn't going to slepp anymore. When I finally got up to change her diaper, it was 7:30. Though exhausted, the look in her eyes and the smile on her face, her vigorous kicking on the changing table just assure me that she's happy, full and secure. All worth it.

A life with breastfeeding

I really think this picture is true. However, some speak more directly to me than others. I've shown the picture to a couple people, but it didn't seem to resonate with them the same way. Perhaps it is because I am exclusively breastfeeding. While I have the support of my husband, family and friends, I feel like society and the media don't get it at all. I am not a girl gone wild. I do feel like I'm completing a superhuman act that requires skills and balance. And that milk drunk smile that baby girls gets afterwards makes it so worthwhile. Needless to say, my life would be a lot easier if societal support of breastfeeding existed.
I met my sister for coffee yesterday at a bustling Lincoln Square cafe. I knew I'd have to feed my daughter there and was fully prepared for the task. I had all the gear in tow. I guess I just wasn't prepared to be seated on a banquette style booth with two young men facing me at the tables to my left and right. I chickened out. We ended up walking a few stores down to a baby gear store and feeding her there. Should I be upset that I didn't follow through with my original plan? Did I chicken out for myself or for their benefit? Overall, baby girl had a meal and everything worked out. I just felt like I would be stared down if I whipped out my breast. Was a wrong? Should I have done it anyway? Why do I even have to worry about such things? Women should be able to breastfeed wherever, whenever and however needed. Breast is best!

You're wearing a colored top!

Yes I am. For a long time, I was only wearing black or dark tops. They would hide extra lbs and any unexpected leakage, especially during exercise. My milk has started to regulate itself. Today I wore a colored top to Zumba class and nursed her without a breast pad on the inactive boob. It was an experiment, but no leakage. I don't seem to get as super full either; I'm just constantly wondering if there's still any milk in there. But she nurses and is content afterwards. The sign of a well fed baby.
I could get used to wearing colored tops and no breast pads. Little by little, just in case.

Yes! My pants button!!

So, I can't fit into all of my "real" pants yet, but I was feeling pretty darn good when I was able to button my work pants this morning. I had tried them on a few weeks-months ago, and couldn't even zip the fly. Today, I wore them to work! Rounding the corner in the pants department is really encouraging. The baby weight is no joke. The unfamiliar body I've been living in the last few months is finally starting to feel like mine again.
People say that breastfeeding will make the pounds just fall off. Not my experience thus far. The scale seemed broken for a good 8 weeks. I've been teaching Zumba again now for 11 weeks. It took 3 months for it to make a difference in how I feel and how I look. While looks aren't the most important thing, it feels so good to be able to wear the clothes in my closet and workout how I used to. I finally feel that my energy has returned and my abs contract when I ask them to. Eventually I will get into my "skinny" jeans. Until then, I am grateful that I feel better about myself and have clothes to wear. I don't have to go to work bottomless. That's good;)

New moms unite! Shouldn't we talk?!

I guess I assumed that new moms would have an unspoken connection that should become spoken. The urge to talk about birth, baby and breastfeeding is serious. I figured other new moms would feel this way and we'd be able to bond immediately over our shared experience. A few weeks ago I was shopping in the baby Gap section with my daughter. After spotting another mom with a baby carrier (aka. young baby), I got a little excited. That maybe I'll meet someone new feeling. So, I started with the best mom opener: "how old is s/he?" I got a simple "8 weeks" response. Ok, so no go on my next new friend. I then tried to make small talk about how cute the sale sweaters and swim suits were with her. Again, no luck. I shopped my way out of that section. But, I didn't understand. Didn't we share this awesome, amazing life experience so recently? Didn't other moms feel the way I did, with an overwhelming desire to talk and share?
Then, again this past Friday, I took my daughter the the Nordstroms women's lounge for her afternoon breast session. I'd heard from other moms that it was a nice place to go at the mall. I walk in and there are two other women breastfeeding their babies. I thought, "ooh, fun, someone to talk to while I feed her; great!" I tried my "how old" opener again with the first girl. I basically got out of them that one was 3 weeks the other four. They obviously didn't know each other and didn't want to talk with me either. One of the girls was trying to be really private facing the wall and covering herself up. Weren't we in a public women only lounge with other breastfeeding moms? Again, we share such a unique women only experience and no one want to talk about it or even make small talk together when we see each other? I think we should have a secret new mom code word or signal. Something that says "hey, lets just talk about how awesomely hard it is to be a mom." Perhaps the world or digital communication makes it weird to talk to strangers in public, but with such a bond, new moms shouldnt be strangers. They should be friends.

Pumping in front of others...taboo?

Today, I had to pump and work and invited some of my friends (aka co-workers that I like) to join me during my break for a pumping party. They were like, "um, aren't you busy at that time?" Yes, but it's nice to talk to people, and it doesn't happen very often when the majority of my break time is MOO time. So, I invited them and one came. She came in, we had a laugh and then chatted about how to get my daughter to nap longer stretches. Nothing was really decided, it was just nice to have a social break in the middle of the day; they've been lacking. My other friend joined us at the end of my session. I was sitting behind my desk, so not fully exposed.
As I was on my home, I realized that maybe it was ok to breastfeed in front of girlfriends, but not pump. Maybe like it's ok to pee in front of girlfriends, but you'd never want them there for a big poop (baby language). I wondered if they were really wierded out by my invite. Before today, I've pumped in front of my husband and my mom, and baby girl of course. Husband is super turned off and would prefer I didn't do it around him. Too bad, I'm doing it for our daughter, so I get to do it where I please. My mom's reaction was jealousy. When she pumped for me, she had to use a manual pump and could only do one side at a time. My sister walked in on me pumping once, and the shock was evident on her face. She's one of those that you can read everything from her expression. She was glad it wasn't her, yet, and was happy to move on.
I also had to pump one time in a public locker room. It wasn't a busy time, and I tried to find a isolated corner with an outlet and a place to sit. But, locker room luck would have it that wherever I got settled, someone would come claim their stuff from the locker right next to me. And yep, this young girl tiptoed out of the shower to find me is full letdown next to her locker. Oh well, I had to get my 5 oz and wasn't going to let a little public indecency endanger my milk supply or explode. So, I'll take it that since they came to my pumping party, that they were ok with it, but in retrospect I wonder if pumping in front of others is taboo.

You can never have enough...

Breastmilk. I have like 10 bottles in the fridge, each with 4-5 oz ready to go. She'll eat the first two or three while I'm gone tomorrow at work, and I'll pump twice at work to replace what she had. However, if she eats three times while I'm gone, then I'll only have 9 bottles in my stash. Do you see my problem? I'm not one of those who pumps records 13 oz in a sitting, nor am I a "milk dud" who pumps 1 oz in 20 minutes. I would consider myself average.
If I pump to replace a feeding, aka I'm not with my beautiful daughter, I get the 4-5 oz that she would typically consume. If I try and pump between feedings or at night after she's gone to bed, I might get 2-3 oz depending. The hard thing is, I never know if what I'm doing it right. Obviously, I know I'm over thinking things, because as long as my baby is fed and happy, things are ultimately ok, which they are.
For example, yesterday I fed her at 8:00 am. She didn't seem super hungry, so I pumped to get less full at like 9:15. Then, I had to leave at like 10:20. So I left, and daddy fed her with a bottle of breastmilk at 10:45. I got home at 12:30 pm. I had to shower (was sweaty from teaching my class) and eat the lunch my hubby had to lovingly prepared for me. By this time is was probably 1 pm. I knew she would be eating again in 30-45 minutes. So, to pump or not to pump...that is the question. I was full having not fed or pumped in 4 hours, but didn't want to be empty when it came time to nurse her. If I waited, I knew I was skipping a feeding etc. They (lactation specialist) say that you are never quite empty, but there's definitely times when I have a feeling not much is coming out. So, I hemmed and hawed about what to do. Ended up pumping for a short time, equaling 3 oz and then feeding her when she work up at like 1:30.
I did what I thought was best, but no one explains these things, not even the books I so diligently rely on. So, when she ate at 4:20 pm, I ended up nursing her for almost an hour just to make up for it. Did she need to eat that long? No way. Was any milk coming out after the first 20 minutes? Probably not. Did I feel like I was doing something good for her? Yes, she was cozy, snuggled, half asleep, and helping my increase my milk production.

Can I do it all?

So...people call me crazy sometimes, but I think it's just the way I am.
I'm crazy for teaching a popular fitness class 4 times a week until I was 37 weeks pregant. My husband made me give him a stop date. So I did. 37 weeks. I would have kept it up. I convinced him to still let me "work out" beyond 37 weeks. After spending Monday afternoon on the elliptical at my gym, I woke up to contractions at about 3:00 am on Tuesday. Baby girl was born at 38.5 weeks. Later that week, I checked my email; a co-worker asked, "didn't I see you at the gym on Monday?" Yep. I took off 5.5 weeks and was back in full swing.
I'm crazy for wanting to cloth diaper my daughter without having in-unit laundry. I have to wait for the washer sometimes, 2 floors down in our condo building but it's not bad. The bucket doesn't really stink, unless you open it. Baby poop stains a little, but the diapers are clean even if they're a little yellow.
I'm crazy for wanting to pump at work and keep exclusively breast-feeding, hopefully for a year. Spending 40-50 minutes out of each work day with my door locked and me breasts exposed, I'm late to meetings and have to put my milk in the communal fridge. But, I'm doing it all for her. Some people don't get that.
I plan to parent, travel, work out, teach fitness, breastfeed, cloth diaper, love my husband and daughter, see my friends, lose weight, cook more, spend less, ride my bike, visit my family, read books, dress well and work a full time job.
Call me crazy. Can I do it all?